An Eating Contest

So today I read an article on teaching guys how to eat a pussy. It was cool, it got me giggle a bit like a high school girl.  But talking about the ultimate pussy eating contest, I remember this guy was something.

I don’t usually go for guys that much older than me, I have to be honest, some of my guys are couple years younger than me. On the other hand, this guy is about nine years older than me, that was a bit of a stretch.

He’s a friend of my roommate, he’s like a sex/relationship guru. I still remember the first time I meet him, I was going through boy crisis (as usual), He answered all my doubts and even taught a couple tricks to deal with guys. There’s one thing about older guys, they’re honest and they have guts. One night, we went out for some drinks and played some pool, afterwards he offered to walk me home (what a gentleman!) Well…. One thing leads to another….. We were about to do it.  One thing with older guys, it’s harder for them to get it hard! At that point, i didn’t know what to do, he said it’s fine, but I felt bad. We decided to have a smoke and then call it a night. Yet it could be his ego or he felt like it was his job to get me off that night, he decided to go down on me. Once he got down there, he was down there for a good four hours…….. He’s on my world record.

Able to f*ck for four hours, I consider that pretty good for a guy, but eating me for four hours, I lost count on how many orgasms I had that night. It was a lot of fun. That’s one thing I like about this article, not beacuse the author got the technique down or got some of the right moves. It’s the fact his intention is to please us, woman, and I think if I had experienced that once, I’m sure there’s more people are that giving/caring. Also, if any of you dudes are reading this, You dick is not your only tool, if you enjoy us giving you blowjobs, return a favor, cus we like it too.

Love,

Susie

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A Play Date With Susie and Veronica

Susie and I had some extra time on our hands on an afternoon in Hong Kong recently, so we wandered into a sex shop near the famous escalator in Central. Sally Coco was the bomb. I’ve visited some other shops in HK before, and they looked like Hagrid’s cabin compared to this place (think more spider-infested and moldy, rather than cozy and beardy).

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The stylish entrance to Sally Coco

Sally Coco Intimate Lifestyle Store immediately garnered a chorus of ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from me and Suzester. In typical Hong Kong fashion, it wasn’t the giant warehouse of fake throbbing cocks like you might find elsewhere, but rather a refined collection of luxurious toys and lingerie.

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The bondage section awaits…

A couple of my favorite moments included tasting some hazelnut lube and accidentally squirting the tube everywhere. Lube explosion! Also, at one point Susie was manhandling a couple of contraptions with a confused on her look on her face. I walked over like, ‘hey sister, nice butt plugs you got there,’ and she flipped! ‘Butt plugs?! This goes UP THERE?!’

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Trust me, Susie and Veronica tried out every one of those lovely toys

The customer service was amazing, as we had a younger girl who was really friendly and answered our million questions, like ‘how do you turn this vibrator on,’ and ‘how do you turn THIS vibrator on?’ It’s so nice to go shopping for a vibrator and not have a brown toothed biker stud grinning at you from behind a counter. I may have splurged a bit, but with the luck I’ve been having with men lately, I feel like it’s a worthy investment. They even special-ordered a little treat I wanted but wasn’t in stock, which would arrive in a few days.

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The fun goodies we drew out of the fantasy jar

Hearts,

Veronica

Close Encounters of the Tinder Kind

Oh, Tinder. All 3 of us have used it here and elsewhere to meet men, and every once in awhile we get lucky. As in, a guy doesn’t immediately ask for sex, talk about his penis, or ask if we’re into ‘foot stuff.’ Flattered, but no thanks.

Have our standards sunk so low that chatting with a Tinder match who isn’t an aggressive dick now feels special? He didn’t ask for a picture of my asshole, it must be true love!

I had a Tinder encounter last week that was of a most interesting variety. This wasn’t your run of the mill perv, but rather, a straight up nut job.

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I never responded to this lovely human after receiving these messages. I’m dying to know what you girls think of this interaction. Be honest with me: could this be my soulmate?!

Hearts,
Veronica

Happy Cocktober!

Let me start with I’ve never been much of a writer. I’ve always had a fear that I won’t be nearly as funny on paper as I am in real person- and trust me, I’m pretty fucking hilarious.

So here it goes…..

First of all Susie, where the fuck were we when you were playing poke the doughnut, you sneaky bitch?!?! I’m a little offended that I had to hear about this first through a blog post! Ahaha

Anyways, less about her… I have deemed this month Cocktober! Cocktober is a very sacred month where all trampy little tramps (such as ourselves) should look back, reflect, and laugh out loud about all the questionable choices we’ve made concerning our vaginas over the past year.

Now I can’t very well give it all away on the first date… even though I usually do….. Be that as it may, I figured a should save the real whoppers, and believe me, I have some fucking ridiculous stories, until later on in our blogging relationship.

So I give you Chapter 1: The Illiterate

Now I am a very educated person, I have 3 degrees and currently working on my fourth, but for some reason I am a sucker for a beautiful idiot. Just a big, muscly dummy- that’s my type.

Last summer I met one of these creatures on Plenty of Fish while living in China somewhere. (If you think POF should have been a red flag…. It is..). Now me and my big, beautiful idiot (who had a girl name anyway, and to be polite I will respect his privacy, but not his dignity, and will refer to HIM as Jessica from hence forth) began a casual dating casually here and there, and things were..just ok.. considering a bit of a difference in IQ and a mild case of erectile dysfunction. One lovely afternoon Jessica bought a copy of readers digest (..I know, right? 2nd red flag anyone?) and thought it would be nice if he read it aloud to me, I obliged. Turns out, brother has like an 8th grade reading level. Now I believe that every newspaper has the difficulty of approximately a grade 6 text, so I would assume a similar complexity from RD. My handsome and occasionally impotent partner couldn’t decode the word “concentrate “. I sat there in disbelief as he struggled.. “sonkentrate…. Konsen…” “Concentrate?” I assisted. Turns out there is also a country in African called GHHauna… yes with an H, Just ask Jessica…. who knew?

Needless to say, that little harlequin romance didn’t last until July, what a pity. So my advice to you ladies, when it comes to looks, date whoever the F you want. But in the brain power department, lets try and keep it on an even playing field, shall we?

Xoxo Phoenix

Push Deeper

If you have not had a one night stand, then give yourself a pat on the back. Good for you!

But this story is about one of my one nights since I broke up with my ex-ex-ex boyfriend. It’s been a couple of months I have gotten laid, and when you are with a boyfriend, sex becomes a regular thing. So one random Spetember, I was coming from a sex withdrawn, not feeling so great. I decide to go clubbing that night, please note my first intention was to try dance off this desperation for sex, and have a good sleep by myself in my bed.

Yet that night, we went to a semi sleazy bar, the crowd was not bad and we danced our night away. Then there came this guy with his friends, of course, trying to get some, I thought “he’s kind of cute!” As we dance, more like grinding, together, we are already making out with each other.  Well…. Then you know what come next.

Things are going great, there’s lust and passion. All the ingredients to make a good one night stand. Then I started to wait for him to come, so I could just pass out on his beautiful king size bed. I rubbed his balls, made fake coming noise and so, but still nothing worked. So I finally asked him. “Are you Alright? Are you gonna come?” He looked at me, grab my middle finger and shoved my finger right up into his ass, and then he said “can you please go deeper?”

Well….. He came at last, but seriously base on how excited he is suddenly getting into, I questioned his sexuality in my mind. Anal is never my thing, but gotta help a bro to finish what he started, plus it would be very awkward to just walk out at that moment. At the end, I passed out in an amazing bed at the finest hotel, but that finger is tainted forever. Ewwwww………

All in All, I have to say it was quite an experience, I always know that there’s a hidden g-spot for the guys, but to actually see a guy is getting off from that little spot hidden right up his ass, that was eye-opening. However, that might be my first and last time ever did that.

Try it yourself if you dare!

love

Susie

Welp, Dick Free October It Is

In the past week, I’ve had so many uncomfortable encounters with men that I have seriously considered going lesbian. I’ve dabbled in girl-on-girl action, and while I’ve always pictured myself ending up with a man, my thoughts have been slanting the other way recently. Here are a few reasons why:

1. An older married male colleague told me I had a nice rack and asked if I wanted to go to a nightclub.
2. A cute Danish man I was on a date with aggressively started tearing at my clothes and begged me to have sex with him multiple times, even after I told him I wasn’t interested in sleeping with him that night.
3. A Portuguese dude I was talking to via Whatsapp exploded my phone with 16 messages in a row about what an idiot I am because I asked him to stop talking about his penis and HE WANTED TO TELL ME ABOUT HIS PENIS, GODDAMNIT.
4. My summer fling, who I’ve known for years and has always been sweet and respectful, asked me to send him nude photos. When I said that was flattering but declined, he proceeded to pressure me and ask over and over again, explaining that it was perfectly safe to do so because he doesn’t use iCloud and would never share the photos.
5. I met a nice man at a work conference this weekend who asked me out for a drink. I then found out from mutual friends that he is engaged.

4x18hammockupI would rather date The Todd than the men I’ve been interacting with lately

photo credit

This was all in one week! I can’t even fucking handle how skeezy guys have been to me lately. I find my thoughts drifting towards ‘you must be asking for it’ and ‘’it’s not that bad’ but then my rational side kicks in and I’m like ‘fuck that, you don’t deserve this shit.’ After a pretty severe panic attack which ended up with me locked into a hotel room when I should have been out exploring an awesome city, I decided that I’m giving up on dudes for at least a month. I am going to legitimately practice not giving any fucks, by choosing to shut down any romantic thoughts, wearing only granny panties, and closing down any and all online dating accounts. One month dick free. Here we go.

Hearts,

Veronica

A Quick Introduction

Hello, blog audience! My name is Veronica and I am starting this blog with my two ladies, Susie and Phoenix, because after a few classy cocktails (coughmanycheapbeerscough) we realized we just have too many ridiculous stories to keep them to ourselves. We are looking forward to solidarity from our fellow females, or maybe just to entertain the masses with our hopefully hilarious and semi-shameful sagas. All 3 of us are living in the same city in Southeast Asia, but are constantly traveling, and hail from different parts of the planet. This is the expat life, indeed!

Susie, Phoenix, and I like to think we’ve seen it all. But then you come across a pirate dick on Tinder and all your preconceptions about romance go out the window. We are going to try to remain as dignified as possible on this blog, but it’s kind of hard to take things too seriously when you go out for a drink with the gals and wake up next to a Carrot Top impersonator.

When you take a trio of young, modern ladies flying solo around the world, some kooky experiences with men/women are bound to occur. So stick around and whether you are feeling pity for us or are laughing with us, greetings lovely humans. We hope to share with you stories of promiscuity, love, and cultures colliding. For all you girls out there who have had embarrassing, beautiful, or bizarre encounters, just know this: you are not alone.

Hearts,

Veronica