Let me start with I’ve never been much of a writer. I’ve always had a fear that I won’t be nearly as funny on paper as I am in real person- and trust me, I’m pretty fucking hilarious.
So here it goes…..
First of all Susie, where the fuck were we when you were playing poke the doughnut, you sneaky bitch?!?! I’m a little offended that I had to hear about this first through a blog post! Ahaha
Anyways, less about her… I have deemed this month Cocktober! Cocktober is a very sacred month where all trampy little tramps (such as ourselves) should look back, reflect, and laugh out loud about all the questionable choices we’ve made concerning our vaginas over the past year.
Now I can’t very well give it all away on the first date… even though I usually do….. Be that as it may, I figured a should save the real whoppers, and believe me, I have some fucking ridiculous stories, until later on in our blogging relationship.
So I give you Chapter 1: The Illiterate
Now I am a very educated person, I have 3 degrees and currently working on my fourth, but for some reason I am a sucker for a beautiful idiot. Just a big, muscly dummy- that’s my type.
Last summer I met one of these creatures on Plenty of Fish while living in China somewhere. (If you think POF should have been a red flag…. It is..). Now me and my big, beautiful idiot (who had a girl name anyway, and to be polite I will respect his privacy, but not his dignity, and will refer to HIM as Jessica from hence forth) began a casual dating casually here and there, and things were..just ok.. considering a bit of a difference in IQ and a mild case of erectile dysfunction. One lovely afternoon Jessica bought a copy of readers digest (..I know, right? 2nd red flag anyone?) and thought it would be nice if he read it aloud to me, I obliged. Turns out, brother has like an 8th grade reading level. Now I believe that every newspaper has the difficulty of approximately a grade 6 text, so I would assume a similar complexity from RD. My handsome and occasionally impotent partner couldn’t decode the word “concentrate “. I sat there in disbelief as he struggled.. “sonkentrate…. Konsen…” “Concentrate?” I assisted. Turns out there is also a country in African called GHHauna… yes with an H, Just ask Jessica…. who knew?
Needless to say, that little harlequin romance didn’t last until July, what a pity. So my advice to you ladies, when it comes to looks, date whoever the F you want. But in the brain power department, lets try and keep it on an even playing field, shall we?
Xoxo Phoenix
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